Today

Today I find myself struggling with the depressive element of my illness.  I felt compelled to express my feelings, however clumsily, in this short poem the writing of which, as always for me, is a cathartic experience:

TODAY

I wake late, my alarm powerless to rouse me from morbid indolence.

For the first few seconds all is well.

My mind is serene and unruffled.

But then a rapid and ferocious transformation ensues.

I am cruelly cast down into the depths of gloom.

I remember.

Overwhelmed with torpor, my apathetic body is inordinately heavy.

Limbs are too heavy to move without a struggle.

I lie motionless, gazing at the featureless ceiling, wishing I could be somewhere, anywhere, else.

Tears well within, sloshing around, threatening to overwhelm me.

But I manage to choke them back.

I am drowning.

I force myself to get up, my body resists.

Mind fixated on the negative, it revels in all that is unconstructive and off-putting.

I look to the future – it is cloaked in darkness.

The present is too painful and raw to contemplate.

The past is a litany of failure and missed opportunity.

I am trapped.

Everyday noise overwhelms me.

The slightest noise is an unwelcome intrusion, echoing inordinately loudly through my head.

Conversation is avoided, e-mails are unanswered and ‘phone calls ignored.

I am afraid to go out.

I look dishevelled and broken.

I am alone.

Entombed in an emotional sarcophagus,

I cannot escape.

God cannot reach me.

No-one can.

I am lost.

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3 thoughts on “Today

  1. not to negate your feelings..I am bipolar and have warring against it my whole life. Get a James Brown CD…put on ‘GET UP OFFA THAT THING, AND DANCE TILL U FEEL BETTER’ FULL BLAST. Hope that helps.

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